How many years of life is enough?
When you are old and you die, how long is it okay for your loved ones to feel a heaviness deep in their bones?
Does everyone experience regret in their last moments?
How long will I remember the way his chuckle cascaded around the room? The way his whole body shook with light laughter, back ever so hunched, pitching forward?
Did he watch the Tigers in the championship game? Did he cuss out loud as we lost, even beside Jesus himself? Did Jesus laugh like I used to?
How will I explain to my daughter that my favorite memory of him also belongs to her; cuddled close in winter jammies, oxygen cord dangling between her legs and his, limbs wrapped up as he offers her ice cream from a spoon he carefully cradled in his tired, bruised hands?
Why do people believe the death of a grandparent is natural and therefore less painful?
How do the most inevitable and expected experiences still feel like a punch to the stomach – breath not quite escaping lungs that are paralyzed?
Why have a DNR if your ribs will be broken anyway? Who must answer for the mistake as the family members left at the bedside speak softly, reassuring him that we know what he has wanted all along?
“Stay still, don’t fight it, we know, we know. We hear you. We love you. We are so, so sorry.”
How can an entire medical system ignore a patient’s wishes? How do they go unchallenged?
Why are good people and good nurses overworked and underappreciated? Why do the folks in power above them not do a whole lot to help?
Why does no one tell you that watching your grandfather die is not like a movie. It is unimaginable. Your last words to him, whispered delicately into his ear, still echoing in the chamber of your mind: “you don’t have to be scared. It’s okay. You can go. No more pain, okay?”
Can you feel guilty for things you don’t know how to explain? Can you experience his life and death in your memory without the barbs of unpleasantness and grief?
If you are scared to forget and scared to remember, what do you write? Should you write it in the first place?
I still don’t know, so I settled on questions.
haliewanders 